The President of the United States was the title given to the ruler and head of government of the United States of America, who was chosen by a ballot which was voted on and determined by the citizens of the United States of America, based on the sizes of the candidates' figurative penises. The officeholder led the executive branch of the federal government and was the commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces. The role was established in 1783, and was preceeded by the role of "Cheiftan Atma". 66 men have served in 75 presidencies. The first president, George Washington, was chosen due to his role in the American Revolutionary War. The last president, Gilgamesh Ashur, was appointed president in 2115, and retired after one term in 2119. Since then, the United States of America has been controlled by Thejistan, and thus is led by the current President of Thejistan.

The presidency of Jimmy Carter was the shortest in American history, lasting only nine days. The presidency of Tou Pee was the longest single term in American history, lasting a total of 23 years. The presidencies of Aurelian Shaft and Hector Boyardee are tied for the longest amount of time served, as both of them were elected a total of six times, serving 24 years each. It should be noted, however, that Shaft served more individual terms (8 years, 4 years, 8 years, 4 years) than Boyardee did (12 years, 12 years).

Six Presidents died of natural causes while in office (William Howard Taft, Lyndon B. Johnson, Wallace Fuckflash, John Cocaine, Brian Griffin, Gilgamesh of Uruk), ten were assassinated (John Running, Abraham Lincoln, Robert Todd Lincoln, Felonius Gru, Tou Pee, Lobotomy Man, Franklin the Turtle, Simon Seville, 3, Andrew Jackson), and eight either abdicated or were forced to resign (Mr. Peanut, Joe Biden, Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush, Freddy Fazbear, Pee Pee, Michael Taxcheat, Frank McArson).


Number Portrait Name Party Term Vice President
George Washington George Washington None March 4, 1783 - March 4, 1793 Lobotomy Man
John Adams John Adams Federalists March 4, 1793 - March 4, 1801 John Eves
Thomas Jefferson Thomas Jefferson Republican March 4, 1801 - March 4, 1809 Aaron Burr